Mood:  celebratory

Okay, for some reason I woke up at 6:30 this morning, a whole frickin half-hour before my alarm, and couldn't go back to sleep. I think it's bc I'm so excited to see Charles tonight! *waves to Charles* It seems like forever since we've been together. We're going to dinner and then to see "Beowulf".

Thank all the gods that it is nearly Thanksgiving break. I have to conference with students today and then I'm done until Monday. *jumps for joy*

Well, my latest fanfic chapter is getting rave reviews. I'm kinda sad that the story is coming to an end, but I'm also sort of ready not to have the pressure of worrying about finishing it, you know? I've got to focus on my book and planning classes this Christmas break, so I'm hoping to wrap up Will and Maya's prequel before then. I just feel guilty for not updating bc I know how I get so anxious to read more of the ffs I love.

Ugh, gotta go to work. Just eight more hours until vacation!!!!

Mood:  irritated

Ok, ok, I'm in an irritable political mood this morning, bc I opened up NYTimes.com and discovered that the first headline is: "US Secretly Aids Pakistan in Guarding Nuclear Arms."

*clenches fists*

I don't mean that it's a bad thing for us to help a country protect its nuclear arsenal from terrorists or invading countries who might like to wipe out the US and our allies. I'm pretty much in favor of outcomes that don't involve Armageddon, see. But here's the thing that pisses me off (ok, the three things that mostly piss me off - if I listed every single thing we'd be here a while):

#1 - "Over the past six years, the Bush administration has spent almost $100 million on a highly classified program to help Gen. Pervez Musharraf, Pakistan’s president, secure his country’s nuclear weapons, according to current and former senior administration officials."

$100 million????  We still have people living in frickin FEMA trailers, New Orleans is still half-destroyed, we can't afford to fix Social Security or welfare, but we can send $100 million to Pakistan to protect, not people mind you, but weapons?

#2 - "But with the future of that country’s leadership in doubt, debate is intensifying about whether Washington has done enough to help protect the warheads and laboratories, and whether Pakistan’s reluctance to reveal critical details about its arsenal has undercut the effectiveness of the continuing security effort."

I just don't get why we ever trusted Musharraf in the first place. Ok, look at it like this: A military dictator comes to the leader of the free world and says, Sorry about the terrorists attacking you; I'd like to build an air force and a nuclear weapons arsenal to help protect you from that happening again. Oh, by the way, I'd also like you to pay for the air force and the nukes, and in return I promise (cross my heart and hope to die even!) that I'll give up my dictatorship and all of its little perks, like absolute power, and make my country a democracy.

Now, I don't know about you, but I might have questioned the good General a little bit there. 'Cause it seems like he sure did get the better deal - without having to keep a single and promise.

And #3?

#3 - "The aid, buried in secret portions of the federal budget".

Ok, I understand that you don't advertise that you're putting defenses up around a nuclear arsenal (that might defeat the point of the project). But still, "buried in secret portions of the federal budget"???? How much of this kind of shit goes on?

When I feel this much impotent rage, there's only one thing to do: Watch tv. I like my government conspiracies with hot guys and gorgeous ladies, lots of action and romance and snappy dialogue. Like "Traveler." Maybe ABC canceled "Traveler" bc they were worried ole Will, Jay and Tyler were gonna end up hitting too close to home with their whole "shadow government" plot line, huh? Yeah, probably not - this is the station that managed to kill "Alias" and has brought "Lost" to the brink of non-watch-ability a couple of times.

But still, I think I'll take phrases like "buried in secret portions of the federal budget" a lot easier coming from somebody like Jack Bauer than from the New York Times.  Fiction is just so much more pleasant than reality, isn't it?

Mood:  crushed out

*yawns* I slept like not at all last night, and then I had to WORK today at a recruitment event. Sucks giving up a Saturday morning for work, even for something fun.

Now I am home, and my plan is to make the house festive for Christmas. Why would I be doing this before Thanksgiving? Well, Charles and I spend little time at our own house over the holidays - we basically run all over the state of Illinois visiting respective families - so if I don't put the tree up early, we hardly have a chance to enjoy it. My parents gave me their old tree this year, the one from when I was a kid, and ornaments my mom bought at the dollar store in Santa Rosa, CA, in 1969 when my dad was stationed out there with the army, which our antique and really cool (and sentimental), so I'm going to try to have fun decorating. The only problems: 1) I have to clean my house before I put up the tree, and 2) I always get homesick around the holidays, and this isn't gonna help!

Plus I've got this phobia about bringing my own decorations in from the garage. See, this summer Charles and I moved, but before we did, our cats - whom we no longer have, thank all the gods and the sweet people who gave them homes - got fleas. We fought a two-month battle against fleas. It was seriously the grossest thing I've ever endured. I get the creepy-crawlies just thinking about it! And even though I know we don't have pets now so the fleas (if they had survived) would have nothing to feed on, and even though I know we brought in our clothes and blankets and furniture and all that good stuff from the old house to the new house without introducing fleas into our environment, well, I've still got this paranoia that my Christmas decorations are flea-infested.

Yup, I've got issues.

But, anyway, I have a ton of stuff to accomplish this afternoon before I can crash and watch tv (I love to veg, I am becoming a tv-veg addict), so I'm signing off. And hopefully, will not be signing on again to discuss fleas...

Mood:  chillin'

Okay, so now that I've given you eye-candy, I also want to thank all the gods that it is almost Friday. I graded 24 papers from first-year composition students in the last 48 hours. My brain has stopped.

The only bad part is, I don't get to see Charles tomorrow. *waves to Charles* I miss you, sweetie! And I love you!

Is it a bad sign when your life has become about books, tv and movies? I'm excited bc tomorrow evening is "Ghost Whisperer" and "Numb3rs," which probably makes me the most lame person on earth. I'm also excited bc Stephen King's newest work "The Mist" comes out on November 21. Sadly, Charles and I won't get to see it until the following weekend (as in, the weekend after the weekend after Thanksgiving, make sense of that phrase!) but it's exciting knowing it's just coming out.

I just finished this really cool book, too, "Julie and Julia" by Julie Powell. It describes her experience working her way thru Julia Child's cookbook "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" over the course of one year. It's really funny and has a lot of great commentary on what it's like to be almost 30 (like me), married happily but not always blissfully (like all of us), and working with the hopes that work isn't all life is about (like definitely me). You should pick it up sometime, you should.

My guilty pleasure this weekend? A turkey sub, fries and a big honkin cookie from Penn Station tomorrow after work, and a Friday night of serious vegging in front of the tv. I may not even work out. *gasp*

But then it's grading advanced composition papers and recruiting new students to the university, so hey, I gotta take my guilty pleasures where I can.

Mood:  irritated

Here's a quick shot bc I'm running off to get ready for work. This morning's NY Times reported that the FBI has concluded 14 of the 17 shootings of Iraqi civilians by Blackwater employees on September 16, 2007, were unjustified, but the Justice Dept. may not be able to charge these employees with crimes bc US laws concerning the actions of American security personnel overseas are pretty sketchy. Here's what Representative David Price had to say about that little wrinkle:

“Just because there are deficiencies in the law, and there certainly are,” Mr. Price said, “that can’t serve as an excuse for criminal actions like this to be unpunished. I hope the new attorney general makes this case a top priority. He needs to announce to the American people and the world that we uphold the rule of law and we intend to pursue this.”

Let's recap: Just bc the law doesn't allow us to charge these people with a crime, that shouldn't stop us from charging them with a crime.

Now, maybe it's just bc my Charles is a lawyer, but I found that kind of disturbing coming from a member of Congress, don't you? Not that I think murder should be allowed, but you know, I kind of like the idea of the people who write our laws having a little more respect for following them.

But, oh wait, I forgot - this quote was brought to you by the creators of the Patriot Act.

*sighs and slithers off in impotent rage*

Mood:  energetic

I am so happy! I have made a tremendous amount of progress on my tenure and promotion portfolio today. If you don't know what that is, well, it's a kind of medieval torture specially devised for university professors, wherein we have to collect all of these materials related to our teaching, our research, our publications and our service to the university and committee, organize it all into a big folder, and write this ridiculously complicated reflective self-evaluation to introduce it all. The purpose? To prove that, in addition to having earned my PhD, I am worthy to keep on teaching at this university because I'm a good teacher, scholar, and faculty member.

If I'd known having a job would be this much work, I never would've left grad school!

So my friend Tinuviel *waves to elf-sister* turned me on to CSI:New York, and now I'm addicted to the whole franchise. Seriously. But you should check out her fanfic on CSI:NY, if you're so inclined - http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2416270/1/Morgan_Formerly_known_as_Subtlety

It's really well-written. I happen to be in love with Danny Messer now (still also in love with Will Traveler, thankfully my very own real-life lover Charles doesn't mind a little fictional competition!). Great site for the actor who plays Danny is www.bella-dorka.com. Weird name, kick-ass fansite.

So anyway, in addition to watching bloody murders be solved, I am also looking forward to finishing up this damn tenure and promotion portfolio today. Thanksgiving is coming up so fast and I am so anxious to spend time with Charles *waves to Charles, blows kisses* and to seeing my family. If I didn't have so much cooking to do between now and then...But at least the eating will be fun!

Mood:  don't ask

I really hate bosses. I came to work early this morning to check the course offerings for next fall (I'm a professor, so we plan our classes way in advance) and my boss was too busy to meet with me to discuss my schedule. She acted all bitchy about it, too, like she didn't know why I was bothering her. Um, hello, because you're the one with access to The List of Courses (I think it should have an official title, being such an important document). I really don't like her.

Anyway...I did do a happy dance this morning because my super-cool Porter friends Song and ChattyP gave me the sweetest reviews on the latest chapter of my fanfic. I'm working on an "epic" about the short-lived ABC series Traveler - you can check me out at www.fanfiction.net/~trueelven, if you'll excuse the shameless self-promotion here.

Yick, it's only Monday and I have soooooo much work to do before this weekend! Speaking of, I'd better pretend to be at work instead of still enjoying my weekend. *trots off to engage young minds with knowledge*

Mood:  lazy

So after being like incredibly productive this morning, I have totally run out of steam. I'm trying to motivate myself to get out of this chair and be like an actual human being, but for some reason, I just feel like vegging out in front of the TV. I may put on the LOTR movies and gawk at Legolas for a little while. Does that make me a worthless excuse for a human being?

I've accomplished a lot this weekend so I guess I shouldn't feel guilty, and I have a big week staring me down. Guess I can let myself off the hook. I think it's partly that I'm missing my hubby (hello out there, Charles!) and I know I'm not going to see him for almost two more weeks. I hate life sometimes.

Anyway, the ostensible subject of this blog is my on-going search for a way to love my body. Background: I'm diabetic and I have been pretty severely underweight for several months because my blood sugars went nuts, and now I am trying to put weight back on but experiencing this weird far that I'm going to get fat, because I've been treated like I've done something really special by managing to weigh 96 pounds (I'm 5'8" tall) and have so little energy I can hardly drag myself around. If this is what it means to be thin and sexy, thanks, but I'll be fat and happy - and my Charles will love me anyway, won't ya, Charles?

I discovered a much-needed pick-me-up in the New York Times this morning: "Chubby Gets a Second Look". Apparently, the medical community is finally coming out and saying that it is clinically proven to be unhealthier to be underweight than overweight. Now, if we can only hope that normal weight and "chubbiness" become more socially acceptable, so women like myself don't have to agonize over every calorie we put into our mouths!

The article also points out that "fat" and "thin" are more culturally-constructed than medically-determined in our culture. Here's my favorite quote from the article:

"Henry VIII, king of England in the 16th century, 'was huge,' which was a symbol of his wealth. To get that way, Dr. Armelagos said, 'it took 100 people collecting food for him and cooking it.' Compare that to the billionaire Oprah Winfrey. 'She has to have a dietitian and cook and a trainer so she doesn't get to be like that,' he said."

So it's all social, people. Beauty is culturally determined (thank you, Naomi Wolf, for telling us that decades ago in "The Beauty Myth"). Take it from me, someone who has been the skinny bitch (and is working to not be so I can be the healthy, vibrant, strong woman I am), the reason women are skinny bitches is because when you're hungry, you're cranky.  

*heads to the kitchen for a bag of chips*

Embrace our beauty, elf-sisters! We come in all shapes and sizes and I say let's eat, dammit, and be merry. That is so much sexier than obsessing over calorie-counting and jean sizes. A woman enjoying life? That's beautiful, no matter what her measurements are.

Mood:  happy

Ok, this is my first time ever doing this, so I'm a little nervous...

It's Saturday morning and I woke up with a touch of the cold/flu this morning - my eyes are all puffy but that could also be bc I ate a lot of salty foods yesterday. I'm trying to gain weight bc I'm diabetic and I've been having a lot of trouble with my blood sugars since August so I lost a ton of weight, like 30 lbs. I know that sounds great and I guess in some ways it has been, I certainly get a lot of envious looks from some people, but trust me, being so underweight basically sucks for anything other than attracting envious looks. I've been so tired all the time and so irritable bc I just don't have any energy. Plus I start having weird symptoms like dry, scaly skin and bloating in my stomach when I would eat. It really got me scared and so now I'm on better medication and a new diet/exercise regimen that I hope is going to let me get back to my old self.

So yesterday I picked up a turkey sub and fries from Penn Station (if you guys don't have a Penn Station, you totally need to move to the Midwest - they are beyond yummy!). The night before that I ate a fried chicken salad (more yummy). I think all the salt caused me to retain a little water and so I look puffy, but I'm so glad that I was able to eat without feeling sick all over. I'm going to be good today though and eat stuff that's actually on my diabetic diet bc I don't want a high blood sugar, that'll just ruin the whole point of trying to eat more since I'll end up losing weight if my sugars get too high. Diabetes is a really fun disease!

Now I'm just rambling. I'm gonna put on my walkin shoes here in a bit after I load up my iPod and go for a walk. It's gonna be a beautiful day here in southern Indiana, I think, and I'm going to enjoy it a little before I settle down to work. Oh yeah, and I'm also going to let myself have some time off today and tomorrow, bc I have a helluva busy couple of weeks between now and Thanksgiving break and then final exams to grade after that!